To the me of a year ago on Chemo…

To the me of a year ago. Midway through chemo and feeling like 💩

Dear Chemo Lauren,

I know you feel like absolute shit right now.

It’s the never-ending nausea and bloating.

It’s the fact you can’t sleep without being sat upright.

It’s the way food doesn’t taste the same.

It’s the fact you need to take multiple tablets each day which you know are causing this.

It’s the fact even walking to the local shops is a big mission.

It’s crying after you put Leo to bed- holding his hand, hoping he doesn’t pick up on the true seriousness of this.

It’s the lack of connection with people who pulled away unsure what to say.

It’s the fact that life is not in your control but down to hospital appointments and constantly taking temperature to check for fever / infection.

It’s the port implanted in your chest that’s left a pretty big scar.

It’s the ‘latest new supplement’ proven to help- should you take it?

It’s the random aches and pains- what do they mean?

And yet I want to tell you that through this darkness, through this pain, through this grief over losing the pre-cancer you,

You will rise again.
You will feel better.
You will find meaning and purpose beyond survival.

You can turn shitty experiences into wisdom. It takes time and deep work. This isn’t surface level, but deep soul level – literally rewiring my brain and my body.

I’ve had an experience of my own mortality and it’s given me a true sense of who I really am. ⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️